*steps up to the podium*
*clears throat* *drinks sip of water*
*unfolds paper that appears to be an origami of a unicorn*

Erelas RyAlcar's Acceptance Speech for the Lead Self-Possessed Scientologist Oscar:

Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so coked-up! And this statue - it's so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to bow down before me and accept that even in my wildest fits of self-loathing, I never would have fantasized that this could ever validate my mediocrity. And to the other brilliant nominees, I want each of you to know how totally vindicated your crushing defeat makes me feel right now!

You know when they first told me I was not the father, I just had to take a Xanax and obsess about how unaesthetic my love scenes have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda numb

You know, there are so many obsequious Napoleon Complex-suffering studio execs to thank! First off though, I want to pay off the glorified prostitutes of the Academy, who looked deep within their Magic 8-Balls before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Charleton Heston, for being such a powerful force in my contract negotiations. And to the hooker with the heart of gold, who taught me to take life by the balls. And finally, to all the illegitimate children I sired - I couldn't have done it without you!

Thank you America, and good night!

Umm, wait a tick, I think I got out the wrong speech, umm, yeah. Anyway, thanks to Topless Robot for hosting this fantastic contest, a blast, I'm looking forward to more. Thanks also to Zombie Haiku author Ryan Mecum.

The haiku I refer to is:

Hands claw bafflingly
Stumbling, moaning, eyes protrude
Blood drips lividly

Hawt right? Check out the sites at both Topless Robot and Zombie Haiku, and earn some geek cred today :P

Oh yeah, thanks to About.com and chickenhead.com for the acceptance speech generator, turned out like a psychotic mad-libs.